The Perks of the P.

being pregnant this time is a bittersweet euphoria.
especially staying at home throughout my entire pregnancy... more time to think.

we've already begun shopping for Bella, and seeing all that's cute draped over shelves and hung on racks makes me want to hold and cuddle with her.  then we leave the store, and its back to reality, and in the moment, i'm glad she's still held and cuddled in my tummy.  ha!  so much to do, yet so little time.  i mean, um, its already february, and walking through those stores i'm oogling the. cutest. children's swimwear (i'ma sucker for it) which means summer will soon be here.  not to mention, here in houston, its been a not so lovely 82 degrees + humidity, so february feels like april or may.

then july will here.
but if she continues growing at the rate she's growing, june will be here, and so will she.

then i fast forward, and remember that just as it was with Aislynn, it will come to an end.  being pregnant will cease to be an adjective i posses. and at this point, we aren't sure if a 3rd time is in the future... there's so much to think about with adding an extra human being into the picture. duh, right? i mean, look how long we waited to get pregnant again?  5 years!  and although sometimes i wish we hadn't have waited so long, i'm glad we made the decision we did. but with the future coming so fast in this day and age of our lives, waiting another 5 years is just not ideal for any of us. 


so this may very well be the very last time i am pregnant for the entire rest of my living.


i guess i feel this way partially because of the pregnancy i experienced or not experienced with aislynn.  i was 20 years young, and life wasn't easy.  my pregnancy wasn't accepted by many, and at the time, i was a fragile 20 year old who was easily influenced by the mass negativity surrounding me and being directed towards me.  i was in such a rush for it to be over, i didn't have time to enjoy the moments of the in between; those moments, many of which i can never get back.


same goes with the early months after she was born.  i don't remember much, for the same reasons as above.  i look back, and it is all black, with small tiny fragments of her early life.

i guess that plus not only after 5+ years of not being pregnant, i forgot how to be pregnant. i was so busy consumed with trying to please everyone and trying to make amends that i forgot about pleasing myself and forgiving myself. 

being pregnant at that age wasn't easy.  jr and i weren't married, and we were most of the time living with family (something neither of us enjoyed too much, for obvious reasons. ha!) it was hard. real hard. but i'm glad we experienced it.  its a many of stories to share with aislynn when the time comes. plus, being new parents, we had quite a bit of help, which we were very thankful for.

this go round, we're obviously married, now. we have a home of our own. and we have a nice set of parenting skills already under our belt.  we actually know each other, and we actually know what love is; where it came from, and Who it came from.

life is very different than it was when we were young and pregnant, and its very exciting to be experiencing this together in this moment of "right".  no, everything isn't peachy, but the foundations are there, and now, they are being built upon, whereas before, there was maybe some dirt.

God has carried our little family so far, and He's never let go, even when we wanted to let go.  and now, he's blessed us with a 2nd chance to feel, to experience, to love, to share, to be.

we are in no rush for Bella's arrival.  obviously, we can't wait to see her, but right now, its about soaking in the blessings of simply being pregnant, and praising Him for what's being lived in the Ayala Casita.

its the little moments that make the big moments. <3

young & younger. ha!
October 31, 2006.
<3

Faith & Love,
Casey