This Little Blue Bird

You see, this home is our first actual house.  This is the first time, we've had to be THIS type of responsible, and it scared me, scared me so much, that it was constantly on my mind... the wondering of how we're going to screw up this blessing, just like we have with many others.

When we first moved into our home back in March, every morning I would try and get on a routine with getting up, and then finally making way into the kitchen for breakfast time.  I usually ate after Aislynn did, and while sitting or cleaning up the kitchen, I would randomly look out the kitchen window, and more often than not, I would see a blue bird fly by.  This happened various times throughout the first couple of weeks.  I noticed it more and more, until finally I began to notice it when I was out at random places, or when I working in my office and was in deep thought.  And soon, a pattern developed... I only noticed it when doubt crossed my mind, never at any other time. 


I began to question why I kept seeing this blue bird, and Matthew 6:26 popped into my head:

We are now in September, and its of course been a while since I have seen a blue bird, but late last night, as I was in bed, thoughts circling in my head... doubt, fear, worthlessness, worry, and so on.  I cried and and I cried.  How did things get so bad?  Why can't we just ever move on, and not look back?  Why had God allowed all of this to go wrong?  Was my efforts not enough?  And then out of no-where, I began quietly humming... I find this relaxes me when I'm super stressed (music is my muse).  All I kept humming was "little blue bird, fly... fly high in the sky."  Now, I'm no song writer, trust me, but I like to think I live my life in and through lyrics, and I knew this routine... God has used music many many times to get through to me, and this time was no different.  

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get these words out of my head, and in that instant, I knew God was talking to me...  When I finally realized this, I soon, fell asleep.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in 6 days, and last night, I slept, and slept comfortably. 

I know God is readying me for something big; something HUGE, because I have been battling these exact same battles for too long... I know something great is about to happen, I just need to hold on, continue to focus on Him and His Word, and TRUST that He is always in control.  I need to have FAITH, and I need to cling to it... the rest is in God's hands.

Faith, Love, & song,

Casey

Overwhelmed.

Goodness.


It seems the Ayala's can never catch a break, and I'm not going to lie, it seems that my efforts never seem to be quite enough.  Its becoming exhausting to simply put it.  The harder I try, the harder things get. 

The devil has a way with words.  A way that can wrap you up into thinking failure is at your doorstep. He pulls out the "Defeat" card, the "Hopeless" card, the "Regret" card, and whatever else he has up his sleeve.  He pitches each one like a dart headed straight for its target.  Letting it pierce is up to us...or in this case, up to me.

Thought after thought emerges, and I soon find myself questioning just about everything, even my faith.  How I trust, and how I act upon that trust.  Has God become too overwhelming?  Or does He have more trust in me than I ever imagined?

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I'm a bit way of a perfectionist.  In the recent years, I have struggled with diluting this trait of mine, and let me tell you, its not an easy task.  I strive to be good at every single thing I do, other wise and pardon my expression, but its half-ass, if not done to its full potential.  This could be as simple as coloring in a coloring book or as complex as say, my photography work.  I'm always looking to perfect and to please.  And when things don't go as planned or I feel I haven't pleased, I feel I've failed, and I didn't try hard enough.  I've been like this with various people in my life, and now, I'm beginning to take this on with God.

I feel like I try and try and try, and nothing gives.  I feel like I need to be perfect in order to receive His blessings, and perhaps a break in the madness.  And I know, I know... that's not the God we serve, but lately, it seems that way, and its gotten to a point where I can't help but to feel this way.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and what I need to do more or less of.... I just want peace.  Even for a second or heck, even a week.  I just want to be able to say, "Its okay. Things have worked out. We can move on."  But I don't see that happening anytime, soon....  With me and my family, the past is always the present, and getting away from it doesn't seem likely; its haunting.  So haunting to the point where that's all I focus on, and then months pass, and I forget all the good that happened amidst the bad, and then life quickly becomes a blur.

I'm continuously searching for my calling in life.... I know God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle, but I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much.  And as I type this, a million verses pop into my head reminding me of the God we serve, but I just can't get passed the current struggle... I want to be able to appreciate those verses circling around inside my head, and right now, its kinda hard.

Have you ever felt this?  If so, how did you overcome this?




Faith & Love,
Casey

A Mini Beach Getaway.

This past weekend, I held my first annual Beach Mini's in Galveston, TX.  It was bittersweet, and only because I'm pretty sure this was the very first (and hopefully) last time I will go to the beach, and not be able to feel the water rush to my feet or the sand between my toes.  Due to surgery, I had to sport some Nike's. Boo.  And oh oh oh, it looked so so tempting, but I'm not even sure I'm allowed to be walking in the sand, much less walking bare foot in the sand. =/


We originally set out to the beach on Saturday afternoon to take pics of my Aislynn Love in this super adorable dress that I purchased ages ago at Forever21, and has been sitting in closet waiting for the "perfect" time to make it's debut. 

Well, once we got there, the idea of it all flew right on by just like the seagulls overhead.  ::waa waa::

I did manage to capture a few in the entire 5 minutes she allowed me to photograph her... other than that... we just sat back, and enjoyed the sunset, breeze, and beautiful colors (yes, even for Galveston).

 

Andddddd, that was that! ha!

Now, time for some fun in the sun!

And yeah, I HAD to post this one! Poor girl! Her hair was everyyywhere! ha!

She's got wild hair just like her mama!

This was about all I got... the sun was setting quickly, looked peaceful, and mama just wanted to relax.  

And a good relaxing tis was. =]

Faith, Love, & the Beach,

Casey

We Remember.

"Though 10 years has passed, the wounds are still present; emotions still raw."


I couldn't have said it better, myself. 

10 years ago, I was 15 years old.  I sat in health class, and all I can remember is our teacher turning on the television and seeing the World Trade Center tower engulfed in flames.  At this age, I knew terrorists existed, but it was one of those things you only see on TV, and read in the newspaper from across the world.  It was never the thought of, "This could happen to us." We are America.  The greatest nation the world has ever seen.  There is no way, and no possibility.

But on September 11, 2001, that "no way" turned into "today". 

I remember it was a beautiful September morning here in Houston.  The skies were blue and sun was shining.  It was an easy day with health class being the first of the day, and then swim class afterward.  When the announced came overhead, I was speechless.  It was something my 15 year old brain couldn't comprehend.  I was scared, and I was worried.  "Where next? Perhaps Houston and our oil were the next targets?"

My mother called me on my cell phone, and asked if I was okay, and all I could think about was my dad was out of town on business.  I remember my mother assuring me he was okay, and that he would be coming, soon. 

I walked to swim class, and the rest of the day was blur.  I don't remember what happened.  All I remember is going home, and turning on the television, popping in a blank tape, and hitting the red button to record.  I stayed up all night watching the devastation unfold, and hoping and praying for answers.  I truly don't believe I have ever felt such sorrow in my entire life.   

Till this day, the tapes are still tucked away, but memories are still vivid.  And the images from that day will forever tug at my heart.  I remember in our photojournalism class, we were taught to put aside our emotions and capture the raw.  I must say, its a very very hard thing to do, however, when you're behind that glass, its so surreal, and your adrenaline is pumping that I can imagine being in a situation such as 9/11, its almost scary, and you're even hesitant to put your camera down, because in that split second, you leave a window of opportunity for the emotion to overcome you and overtake your job perimeter.  I can't even imagine having to document such, but am grateful to those that do.

Back when I was 15, I didn't have a husband, or a daughter, or a home of my own.  But as my baby gets older, and as the years go by that Jr and I are together... everything we have been through as a couple and as a family...  When you relive such news as 9/11, I think it hits home even harder, because you begin to put yourself in the shoes of the victims, and even those who just witnessed from a short distance.  You can't even begin to fathom what they were going through, what they went through, and how they are healing.

Saturday night/early morning as I sat at watched A&E's 9/11 documentary, it was almost as if I was watching it for the first time since 9/11 happened.  Tears streamed down my face, and all I wanted to do was hug my baby girl, and never let go.  I wanted to tell my husband that as much as we argue and fight, I love him more than anything, and that all we are currently struggling with, we will overcome, because we have a loving God who will see us through.  And then I told myself....  things could always always be worse.  There is always someone, somewhere out there, who is struggling 10x's harder.  And I can't even imagine if they haven't turned their life to over to Jesus.  I remember struggling when I had no relationship with Him... I'm not sure how I ever survived, and sometimes, I still question, but I always have an answer... Him.  All these thoughts were going through my head, and although things aren't looking peachy in the Ayala Casita, they are looking, and we are looking forward...  Just as 9/11 victims are; just as our beloved country is.  We are strong, and we are United. 




President Obama read this Sunday at the 9/11 Tribute/Memorial opening:

• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea; 3 though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult. (Selah) 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. 5 God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved; God will help it when the morning dawns. 6 The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. 7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. (Selah) 8 Come, behold the works of the Lord; see what desolations he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. 10 "Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth." 11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. (Selah) -- Psalm 46

God Bless America!  God Bless our Freedom!  And God bless the People!



Faith, Love, & America,
Casey

MIA & Texas.

For a second, I was on a nice little roll there with my blog, and then life happened.  I forgot how busy I was prior to surgery... never a dull moment in the Ayala Casita. And now that I can move significantly faster than I was 2 weeks ago, mama is on a roll!


I promise, I'll be back next week, or perhaps the following week. eek.  I know, I'm horrible! I have lots of catching up to do.  I actually have blogs ready to be posted, but the images are MIA, and with me being a photographer and all, that's a negative on going live.  So, they are sitting there, patiently waiting until I hit "publish".


As some you know Texas is practically burning to the ground.  Yes, my beloved great state.  Its so sad, and I can't seem to get it off my mind, especially when I can see the cloud of smoke from my driveway.  Its just incredibly devastating, and I can't even begin to imagine what the evacuees, victims, firefighters, and EMS are going through.  Some of them have already lost their homes, yet they continue with their call of duty.  WOW.  Goodness, they are a true blessing!  So so blessed to have these people give so much of their time and energy so selflessly.  It warms my soul, and gives me warm fuzzies to know that in the midst of this fallen world, there is still good, and even in the dark, God shines His light, and uses others to do the same!   What a mighty and powerful God we serve!


On Wednesday, my sister and I were out and about, and when we get together, who knows what might happen. hehe  But on our trip to Hobby Lobby, we "missed" the exit off 249, and drove right into Montgomery and all the way to the Waller County line.  As we inched our way closer to the smoke, it got darker, thicker, and scarier.  From far away, it looks like a big random cloud low in the sky, but when you're under the sky of smoke, its gut wrenching.  My sister and I sat in her truck at a local gas station, just gazing at this inferno that is wiping out homes, neighborhoods, and ranches.  We couldn't believe our eyes, and others around us seemed to have felt the same as they sat waiting patiently with radios and transmitters on, each passing around information as it came in.   So many emotions overcame me... loss, tragedy, worry, scared, hopeless, hopeful, faith, love, disbelief, anger, sorrow.... just everything.  I couldn't manage to hold on tight to just one.... it was an experience that simply cannot be explained.

I must say though...  Although this is a very terrifying ongoing situation, I couldn't help but think, "Wow.  The power of God... the power of all that He created."  I was in awe.   For a second, it put a smile on face.  A smile of knowing that although this is a horrible horrible time for Texas, we serve a God who is greater than it all.  A God who's timing is perfect, and a God who we can fully trust with every fiber of our being.  He is there... in that smoke, in that fire.  He weeps with those who are weeping. Through the smoke and the ashes, He breathes life into those who once never believed.  He brings a new hope, a new trust, and a new calling for the victims, and those with a helping hand, and a loving heart.

"The God of all comfort" comforts us in all our troubles "so that we can comfort others in any trouble." 

-- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Faith, Love, and Texas,
Casey

The Rush Kicks In

So thinking back on my latest blog post about rushing life.
It just made me think.

Why am I in a rush?

I guess with the world being the way it is these days, you feel like any minute now, Jesus, is going to come down in all His glory, and BAM, the Rapture happens.  In reality, Jesus really isn't concerned with my having a second child, or me getting to a point in my business where I can breath a sigh of relief, and he really isn't concerned with my losing the exact amount of weight I want to lose.  When He's ready, He's gon' come.  Whether you, me, we, like it or not. Whether we're ready or not.

As we grow older, life really does fly by.  I remember thinking it was the most odd thing that adults forgot how old they were.  Like, seriously?  But now, I found myself doing math on my fingers just to remember how old I really am.  And then even after, I still question myself.  (math wasn't my strongest subject)

I guess I'm just ready to continue on... ready to be, to love, to grow.  I'm just ready... ready for it all!

But then I think...

I don't exactly have a one way ticket to NeverLand, and neither does my family.  My husband is a little less than 3 years older than me, and my daughter is what seems like 14 already.

There's eventually going to come a time when we will have a full set of gray hair, when my daughter waves us off for college, and when my husband picks out my hot pink electric wheelchair.  There's also going to be a time, when I will forget my age, and then not remember how to count to 10.  And there will come a time when I get to put in fake teeth every morning before watching whatever new soap opera is out or game show.  There will come a time when those pretty lacy panties will be replaced with Depends.  (oh, Dear Lord.)  There will come a time when my daughter will say she hates me and wants to run far far away.  And then a time when she gets married and has her own children.


Geez.

I'm killing myself, here.

Okay.  There will be a time...

A time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace. 

But for this very moment, the time is now.  

The time is here.  

To be embraced, enjoyed, and well... just had.

{Christmas Morning 2010.  Dead tired?  But that's how us parentals role, right??}

{Aislynn and I this past weekend at her very 1st gymnastics class. ::single tear::}

Faith, Love, and The Rapture,

Casey