Overwhelmed.

Goodness.


It seems the Ayala's can never catch a break, and I'm not going to lie, it seems that my efforts never seem to be quite enough.  Its becoming exhausting to simply put it.  The harder I try, the harder things get. 

The devil has a way with words.  A way that can wrap you up into thinking failure is at your doorstep. He pulls out the "Defeat" card, the "Hopeless" card, the "Regret" card, and whatever else he has up his sleeve.  He pitches each one like a dart headed straight for its target.  Letting it pierce is up to us...or in this case, up to me.

Thought after thought emerges, and I soon find myself questioning just about everything, even my faith.  How I trust, and how I act upon that trust.  Has God become too overwhelming?  Or does He have more trust in me than I ever imagined?

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I'm a bit way of a perfectionist.  In the recent years, I have struggled with diluting this trait of mine, and let me tell you, its not an easy task.  I strive to be good at every single thing I do, other wise and pardon my expression, but its half-ass, if not done to its full potential.  This could be as simple as coloring in a coloring book or as complex as say, my photography work.  I'm always looking to perfect and to please.  And when things don't go as planned or I feel I haven't pleased, I feel I've failed, and I didn't try hard enough.  I've been like this with various people in my life, and now, I'm beginning to take this on with God.

I feel like I try and try and try, and nothing gives.  I feel like I need to be perfect in order to receive His blessings, and perhaps a break in the madness.  And I know, I know... that's not the God we serve, but lately, it seems that way, and its gotten to a point where I can't help but to feel this way.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and what I need to do more or less of.... I just want peace.  Even for a second or heck, even a week.  I just want to be able to say, "Its okay. Things have worked out. We can move on."  But I don't see that happening anytime, soon....  With me and my family, the past is always the present, and getting away from it doesn't seem likely; its haunting.  So haunting to the point where that's all I focus on, and then months pass, and I forget all the good that happened amidst the bad, and then life quickly becomes a blur.

I'm continuously searching for my calling in life.... I know God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle, but I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much.  And as I type this, a million verses pop into my head reminding me of the God we serve, but I just can't get passed the current struggle... I want to be able to appreciate those verses circling around inside my head, and right now, its kinda hard.

Have you ever felt this?  If so, how did you overcome this?




Faith & Love,
Casey