i was a very very early 20 when i got pregnant with my first child... i didn't know much about being a mom... i mean, heck, i barely knew anything about being an "adult"... obviously. ha. it was rough being a young mama... i lived with my parents off and on, and lovingly, my hubby (boyfriend at the time) came with. being pregnant was hard... i hated how my body developed into this weird ginormous shape, and how everywhere i went people thought i was having twins. (ugh) bottom line, Preggersville just wasn't a beautiful story me, in my opinion... at the time... today, i see it much differently, thankfully.
so, you can imagine, breastfeeding wasn't something i really cared about it... i didn't really really know about it until after it was too late. 6 weeks i breastfed... probably the longest 6 weeks of my 20 year old life (aside from the last 3 weeks of being pregnant).
this go round... nearly 6 years later, breastfeeding came a whole lot easier... not to be confused with easy, but easier. and here i am at 5 and half months, still breastfeeding. i will note that no, she is no longer on the breast, and that yes, i pump... with a hand pump, and have been since day 1. (i am proof your milk doesn't run out solely because of pumping) For more on my pumping woes (and possibly a good laugh), click HERE.
anywho... here's the hard part...
with my hubby working 60-70hrs a week, and on a night shift schedule (he is a machinist), things are a bit crazy around here. time is extremely limited in our household, and we are always always on the go. "Sunday Funday" has taken on an entirely new meaning, as that is the only day of the week, we spend together. the hours in the day stretch as far as they can, but at the end of it, i run the household (not to be confused with the head of the household)... i do mostly everything except clean the kitty litter, take out the trash, grab the mail from down the street, and occasionally a load of dishes. and then, there is my business... the dreams i have for it... my goodness... sometimes, i think i'm crazy. a lot of focus is needed in that department as well. not to mention, i can't head out to a session that will occupy more than 3 hours of my time... that gets tricky, believe me. (similar to the one of two dates my hubby and i get every year... i spent half of it pumping. romantic, let me tell ya.) --- i won't lie, there are times where i feel like a single mom... i am so so so so very thankful for my husband... he is the epitome of a hard worker and his work ethic sets the bar high on any level. he's awesome at what he does, and he will do anything to make sure his family is taken care of, just as he has the past 6+ years we have been together. he is my blessings, and in return, i try my hardest to be a blessing to him. (proverbs 31)
with all that said, i have reached my breaking point... i often feel like the runner at the end of an excruciating race... you want to collapse, but you're so close, you know that isn't an option. yep, that's me... i am drained... mentally, physically, and spiritually. i feel like i'm driving on E, and everything is shutting down. there have been many nights where i have gone to bed in tears simply because i am so exhausted that i can't even fall asleep. my brain never shuts off, and my eyes won't shut... all because of the 5 to-do lists and 5 calendars i have staring at me non-stop, every.single.day.
ps. no, my youngest is not sleeping through the night, and i average about 5 hours of sleep per night total, if i'm lucky.
okay, now back to breastfeeding... i did the math...
with Bella eating every 3 hours and me pumping every 4, I averaged about 7 hours of my day dedicated to just pumping and feeding. SEVEN HOURS. (this doesn't include cleaning the pump.) this obviously interferes with our crazy schedule, and Aislynn is at the point where Bella is her BFF, but sometimes, she's really not... she was the only one for so long, and here comes another... its been rough on her. plus, with her starting school (she's been home with me most of her life), and her daddy working crazy hours and only getting to see him 15 minutes a day is painful for her little 6 year old heart. its a lot to take in and a lot to handle. and it got to the point where every time she turned around it was about Bella, and not her... i could see the hurt in her eyes, and it pained me. spending time with her is so very important to me!
the past half month, after lots of thought, prayer, and discussion with my husband, i have decided to boot the pump, and half way into the weaning process, i have found my home is a happier place. everyone seems happier now that mommy has "extra" time on her hands. its refreshing, yet at the same time i almost feel lost as if i'm not sure exactly where to start with the time i now do have... i was programed every 4 hours to relieve the girls... my schedule completely revolved around it. on top of that, the money saved is a HUGE bonus. but of course, nothing can top being able to give my baby girl nothing anybody else can. THAT is what hurts MY heart. i feel like i'm letting her down... like i'm letting my hard working husband down... My original goal was to breastfeed at least past 6 weeks, and then i got the hang of it, and was super ambitious and said up until a year. but... things change. i thankfully didn't experience postpartum depression this go round, but i think mainly because i didn't have the time to... however, now that i'm weaning, i think i might be in the first few stages... its depressing, really. i want to be able to give my little one the best, and i am making the choice not to. then, i think of the benefits of my new found time... "something's gotta give", right??
there is sooo much to be said as this is one of those topics, but i'd be here all day, and well, so would you by reading this... that's if you're still reading. ha.
mommys, for those who weaned early (and on purpose), how did you feel? how did you come to the decision, and how did you go from there? would absolutely love and appreciate your thoughts!
in the mean time, here's some updated goodies for ya!
faith & love,
casey